Care and Feeding of Your Severus Snape
by shyfoxling
Summary: Congratulations on the acquisition of your new Severus Snape! To achieve the best results, may we suggest you adhere to the following guidelines...


**Care and Feeding of your Severus Snape**

_Congratulations on the acquisition of your new Severus Snape! To achieve the best results, may we suggest you adhere to the following guidelines:_

1. Do not taunt or otherwise provoke your Snape. He is equipped with the very finest in built-in sarcasm (also known as "the snark") and a sizable library of hexes, and we assume no liability for the sort of treatment you will receive in return.

If, however, you are a masochist, then Godspeed, and may you find the humiliation gratifying; but please be sure to write a lengthy report and distribute it afterwards. A list of suitable publishers, including liaisons to the Muggle "internet", may be obtained by owl despatch to the letterhead address on this brochure.

2. Provide your Snape with a cool, dark living space, plenty of black clothing, and daily mental exercise. He particularly enjoys reading, researching new potions, and a good argument, but even a game of chess would not go amiss. This will serve to keep spontaneous emissions of the aforementioned "snark" to a manageable level.

3. Respect your Snape's abilities (which, we cordially wish to point out, are considerable) and area of professional expertise. Do not offer to brew potions in his stead or make suggestions about appropriate workloads. He is happiest when left alone to undertake his endeavors in accordance with the high standards to which he holds himself.

4. Your Snape is highly loyal and will, if he has given you his respect and/or love, tend to idealize you and do what you tell him to even after he finds out that you have been manipulating him for over fifteen years into helping you fulfill your intricate designs for the salvation of whatever it is you may have in mind.

Please don't do that to him, though. It's just rude. (At the time of printing, legislation guaranteeing minimum standards for the treatment of Snapes was still pending.)

5. Your Snape is not intended for purely decorative use. Kindly refrain from bemoaning his appearance, and under no circumstances get him up in your grandmother's dress.

6. If you find it necessary to decipher your Snape's handwriting, we offer an excellent line of guides for teaching yourself this esoteric skill.

7. Do not contact your Snape's inner left forearm unless invited to do so. He's a little touchy about that bit.

_Thank you again, and please enjoy your Severus Snape with our compliments!_

_We value your questions and feedback. Below, please find a selection of popular queries from other customers like yourself._

**What if he WANTS to wear my grandmother's dress?**

Then you are clearly in possession of a knockoff import model that may also be a patent violation.

**What is the position on endearing nicknames? Such as Sevy Wevy, Cuddlebum, or Tall, dark and deadly?**

We cannot endorse nor provide support for user-installed extensions which purport to add this functionality. Use at your own risk. You agree to indemnify and hold harmless the manufacturer and seller in the event of Avada Kedvra.

**I WANT MY SNAPE!**

So far released only within the United Kingdom; we are still in negotiations with other global distributors.

**You can't get them in the US yet? Well, that explains the knock-off I got.**

We understand and sympathize with your concerns. A family member of one of our staff located in the United States reports: "I had quite a time getting him through US Customs, let me tell you. I tried to ask him not to bring any potions with him – imagine the TSA goons throwing out all the bottles! – but Severus without potions, are you joking? No, we had to go the checked baggage route. He was... less than pleased." Unfortunately, we cannot offer any better solution at this time, but please inquire at the letterhead address if you would like to be updated on potential North American retailers.

**So, is there any assembly required? That might be fun.**

Your Snape comes fully assembled and ready for use. Any attempt to open or rearrange him will void the guaranty.

**What's the maximum amount of Snapes I can order? I want to supply friends, family, neighbours etc with him for Christmas this year.**

We regret that due to unanticipated demand we must impose a limit of two per household. After the Christmas rush we should be able to fill our backorders and will revise our policy accordingly. Please indicate your address by return owl if you wish to be placed on our mailing list and notified of future releases.

**I have a cockatiel. Does the Snape interact well with pets?**

Your Snape will tolerate many animals as long as they don't attack him, but for maximum compatibility, we suggest dyeing your cockatiel black and teaching it to recognize your Snape's presence as a signal to keep its beak shut.

**I wear a lot of purple, as well as black. Will this offend the Snape? I believe I heard from a reviewer that Snapes are fastidious with very high standards.**

You are absolutely correct, and we wish to extend our compliments on your perceptiveness and sensitivity to your Snape's needs. However, the situation as you have described it seems to be fully Snape-compatible, and should not cause any undesired results. Despite his own wardrobe preferences, your Snape is capable of appreciating the beauty of many colours, including crimson, dried blood, shadow, forest, emerald, midnight, and sapphire. As long as you avoid colours you would be likely to find in your grandmother's bathroom wallpaper, you should not encounter any difficulties.


End file.
